You Can Heal Your Attachment Wounds

I recently got married.

(Thank you, thank you very much.)

This has been quite a journey for me. I was engaged once before, and when that broke up, I fell into a deep depression. I felt like there was no hope I could ever be in a successful long-term relationship. I badly wanted love — but I was also afraid of it.

‍I have what's known in psychology lingo as an avoidant attachment style. Basically, that means I have a fear of commitment and tend to keep one foot out the door of every relationship I enter, right from the start.

If you're interested in learning more about how attachment theory applies to your own relational style, I highly recommend the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. That book changed my life — it explained why I am the way I am in relationships, and it set me on a course to actually change it.‍ ‍

The Good News: Attachment Styles Aren't Set in Stone

They can be changed, if you want to change them. I'm living proof of that. But it does take some serious effort.

You have to be able to recognize the behavioral patterns you want to change as they're actually happening, in real time. You have to challenge your own mind and body while you're experiencing the familiar anxiety, fear, or boredom that might be screaming at you to leave the relationship. And maybe most importantly, you have to learn how to actually communicate what you're dealing with to your partner, instead of just acting it out.

None of this is easy. But it can be done, especially with the help of a qualified therapist.

My name is Ethan Furman. I work with men dealing with relationship issues, as well as couples, in Hermosa Beach. If any of this sounds like something you want to work on, reach out for a free consultation.